Ok the noise coming from the neighbor above me is going to drive me insane. I'm tired of the constant banging and stomping around. When he/they drop the toilet lid its so loud I jump out of my skin!
The thought of the hassle of moving is helping me keep my sanity and I plan on signing a short-term lease so that I have plenty of time to find a great place to live where I'll be happy. Aside from the noise from upstairs and from outside, the place really isn't that bad, especially for the money.
But I'm so tired of wearing earplugs all the time. Sometimes I just listen to music and I tune everything out, but I can't sleep with music on!
Ok rant done.
I'm glad its Christmas week. Really looking forward to seeing my family - but honestly can't wait to see Hannah's little face again. She's already 2 weeks old!
Been praying about a certain ex-boyfriend of mine, asking God if he is who He has for me, if I made a mistake last year when we broke things off. God's answer seems to be no, at least for now, as I'm not hearing from him (ex) very much. It hurts a bit, but then I tell myself that I probably deserve it, after all I did break things off with him and hadn't spoken to him for over a year.
Still praying about what God has in store for me. I still feel as though most of my life is waiting to start. Kind of an uneasy feeling most of the time. I know I should be doing something - I feel like I could help in more ways than just financially. I should be praying for wisdom and strength!
I've had to admit to myself the last few days that while I was in Tulsa, welcoming Hannah to the world with her parents and everyone, those 3 days were the best I've had in so very long. I suppose one of those mountain-top experiences. I felt happy and normal for the first time in years - decades. Suddenly I wanted that for myself so very much. A family of my own. Part of me feels that is entirely possible - anything is possible with God! But another part of me wants to admit that maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom - maybe not even a wife.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Dark
Its been very, very dark around here lately. And I don't really mean the weather. I've gone back into that place that is so hard to get out of. Where all you see is darkness, and tiredness and pain. I had four migraines last week!
But its not really the physical pain that gets me - its the huge lack of motivation to get out of this funk that really gets me down. I KNOW all the right things to be doing, that's the crazy part. I know what would get me back on the right track but can't seem to find any desire to go there.
But its not really the physical pain that gets me - its the huge lack of motivation to get out of this funk that really gets me down. I KNOW all the right things to be doing, that's the crazy part. I know what would get me back on the right track but can't seem to find any desire to go there.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Not a big fan...
... of making the same mistake again and again. Tired of realizing I've gone the wrong direction again, after its too late.
On the other hand, I changed my last name this week! It was a big relief to get over that first hurdle. But now comes the changing with all the places I need to change it with - drivers license, SS, bank, etc.
Only about a month now before I become an aunt! Last weekend we showered Stefanie and Jimmy with all kinds of pink goodies. Seems like just yesterday I was finding out that Stef was pregnant and now Hannah's almost here!
On the other hand, I changed my last name this week! It was a big relief to get over that first hurdle. But now comes the changing with all the places I need to change it with - drivers license, SS, bank, etc.
Only about a month now before I become an aunt! Last weekend we showered Stefanie and Jimmy with all kinds of pink goodies. Seems like just yesterday I was finding out that Stef was pregnant and now Hannah's almost here!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Feeling slightly accomplished!
Its 9:45 P.M. and this is the first I've been on my computer all evening! After work I went straight to the UPS store to get my name change document notarized and then on to The Container Store and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Got me an under-the-sink bathroom organizer, a wicker basket for the bathroom, a couple of cabinet organizers and a spice organizer. Oh, and a "reminder center" - a neat little place to hang my keys, jot notes and leave things to remind myself on the way out the door in the morning. I even spent about an hour shredding old papers that I don't need anymore. It feels good to start the process of clearing out clutter! I'm tired (finally a good tired!).
Ideally I'd like to continue what I've started and get completely organized - but I can't look at it that way or it will seem too overwhelming and I'll give up. ha! (baby steps I guess)
Ideally I'd like to continue what I've started and get completely organized - but I can't look at it that way or it will seem too overwhelming and I'll give up. ha! (baby steps I guess)
Want to apologize
I'm one of the many under-informed voters that put Obama in office 2 years ago and I apologize. Please forgive me. I promise not to do that ever again!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Continuing the battle
Ideally I would like to find an alternative health-care practitioner that would help me get off the prescription medications and to battle the depression in a real way. In the way that I believe is the only way I'll have true and lasting success. I find myself getting so upset over the way the health-care system is today. I've become accustomed to the doctor visits where I go in for 10-15 minutes and she writes me a prescription. But yet I still battle every day, every month, every year with sometimes debilitating depression and anxiety. At one point I was almost in a "give-up" stage. Just thought that my brain was never going to let me live a normal life. To one day meet the man God created for me and to have children. I gave up on that - decided it wasn't for me because of the depression. Thought I would be on anti-depressants the rest of my life.
I've idealized suicide a lot over the past 10 or so years, even recently.
But I'm finally at the place where I decided I haven't given up. Its difficult because I let myself dwell on the negatives in this world. There is so much evil that it makes me sick. There are a lot of people giving up on life. But I refuse to do that any more. I want to help other people get out of themselves, the way I'm fighting to get out of myself. I want to make a positive difference on someones life.
Lord, I pray right now for courage to take the next steps. Please give me Your wisdom. Where do you want me to start?
I've idealized suicide a lot over the past 10 or so years, even recently.
But I'm finally at the place where I decided I haven't given up. Its difficult because I let myself dwell on the negatives in this world. There is so much evil that it makes me sick. There are a lot of people giving up on life. But I refuse to do that any more. I want to help other people get out of themselves, the way I'm fighting to get out of myself. I want to make a positive difference on someones life.
Lord, I pray right now for courage to take the next steps. Please give me Your wisdom. Where do you want me to start?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Weekend goals
Clean & organize one area at a time. I would really like to finish what I started when I moved in and do some sort of decorating. I have this Marilyn Monroe wall applique that I'm afraid to attempt to put up, out of fear of screwing it up somehow. Now that I'm 95% certain that I plan on renewing the lease at my apartment (that 5% could come into play once I get the notice of how much they want to raise my rent), I would like to make the place look welcoming. A place that I wouldn't mind having others over to see. Because right now its in a state of C.H.A.O.S. (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)! I got that from an organizing book long ago. I think it got misplaced when I was going through the divorce. Which reminds me, I have now undertook the task of legally changing my name back to my maiden name. Its only been 3 1/2 years! It is not that I feel any sort of disdain for my ex's last name. I just feel it would be a solidification of starting over fresh. Knowing that God has forgiven me and does not want for me to dwell on my mistakes in the past and to focus on what he has for me now and in the future. Its strange, but I didn't mind so much right after the divorce, but the more time goes on, the more I feel it is right to have the same last name as my family again!
Right now I'm praying for focus over the weekend. I will use my awesome Vitamin R gadget on my computer and complete mini-tasks and begin the process of organizing and purging things from my apartment. Life could be a lot simpler!
Right now I'm praying for focus over the weekend. I will use my awesome Vitamin R gadget on my computer and complete mini-tasks and begin the process of organizing and purging things from my apartment. Life could be a lot simpler!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
More thoughts from reading my new book
My Depression Cure book has been describing different treatment options that people have used over the years (since Freud) and their pros and cons. Currently the only treatment I am using is antidepressants. I've done counseling before and have considered it again from time to time. I've just always had a hard time going to someone that is getting paid to listen to me. Its probably not making much sense but that's how I've felt. But the author of the book talked about all these studies involving anti-depressants as well as the Freudian dig deep into your past and get all your dark secrets out in the open therapy and more of a modern cognitive therapy (positive self talk). And all of these methods (with exception of Freud's) had moderate, but temporary success. Freud's just seems like a bad idea all around because it has tended to make things worse for some people.
And I've noticed that the pills I take give temporary relief. But I'm coming to realize that I want to work on going off of these pills eventually - by following the steps in the book and working with my doctor. Once I've gone through the steps and I've determined I am cured I anticipate that being my next step and that makes me very happy. I honestly think the combination of medications I'm on is keeping me at an unhealthy weight and making it difficult to lose weight. But first things first. Step 1: Brain Food (gotta start getting more of those Omega - 3's!)
And I've noticed that the pills I take give temporary relief. But I'm coming to realize that I want to work on going off of these pills eventually - by following the steps in the book and working with my doctor. Once I've gone through the steps and I've determined I am cured I anticipate that being my next step and that makes me very happy. I honestly think the combination of medications I'm on is keeping me at an unhealthy weight and making it difficult to lose weight. But first things first. Step 1: Brain Food (gotta start getting more of those Omega - 3's!)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Been nearly a year
I know its been almost a year since my last post. I considered starting a brand new blog, but thought maybe I should continue what I started... just go about things a bit differently.
I have been thinking of getting back online for some time. But today I think I had a bit of a wake up call. I'm still baffled honestly. I just went for a walk and soon I was feeling dehydrated and very out of breath. Eventually felt like I was going to pass out. Now I HAVE been sick with a cold this week so it might be because of that. But I do know that if I was in better shape, that would not have happened.
I have yo-yo dieted for the past couple of years ever since I gained back all the weight I lost in Austin. I really can't explain why I have some success and then have a small slip up and go back to eating crap and not moving.
It occurred to me this week as well, that this is October! This is the beginning of the fall season! I have a whole 8-9 months to get in shape for Summer 2011. Why not start right now and make some goals? The way I've been living hasn't worked. Its lead me to be depressed, alone and overweight. Something obviously needs to change.
I've started reading a book called The Depression CURE and its something I really need to keep reading and absorbing. Basically the premise is - human beings weren't designed to live the modern lifestyles that we are living. To sit in sedentary jobs all day and then come home and sit in a dark apartment watching TV, eating fatty foods, alone.
Over the past several months I've considered the fact that I may indeed be ADD or ADHD. It makes sense when I consider the symptoms: extreme distract-ability, difficulty focusing on important things, forgetting about bills, losing things, keeping a messy apartment.... and on and on. I've read up on how ADD and depression are linked. I believe they feed off of each other. I feel like a failure for having a messy apartment and being late to things and losing things and get frustrated. I feel like I will never have a successful relationship because I've ruined every one I've ever had or even thought I was going to have.
So my plans for this blog are to write everything out about the changes I am making. About weight loss and just thoughts on life. I plan on finding fellow bloggers for inspiration so I won't get distracted and lose my way. And eventually become the person I was supposed to be - inside and out!
I have been thinking of getting back online for some time. But today I think I had a bit of a wake up call. I'm still baffled honestly. I just went for a walk and soon I was feeling dehydrated and very out of breath. Eventually felt like I was going to pass out. Now I HAVE been sick with a cold this week so it might be because of that. But I do know that if I was in better shape, that would not have happened.
I have yo-yo dieted for the past couple of years ever since I gained back all the weight I lost in Austin. I really can't explain why I have some success and then have a small slip up and go back to eating crap and not moving.
It occurred to me this week as well, that this is October! This is the beginning of the fall season! I have a whole 8-9 months to get in shape for Summer 2011. Why not start right now and make some goals? The way I've been living hasn't worked. Its lead me to be depressed, alone and overweight. Something obviously needs to change.
I've started reading a book called The Depression CURE and its something I really need to keep reading and absorbing. Basically the premise is - human beings weren't designed to live the modern lifestyles that we are living. To sit in sedentary jobs all day and then come home and sit in a dark apartment watching TV, eating fatty foods, alone.
Over the past several months I've considered the fact that I may indeed be ADD or ADHD. It makes sense when I consider the symptoms: extreme distract-ability, difficulty focusing on important things, forgetting about bills, losing things, keeping a messy apartment.... and on and on. I've read up on how ADD and depression are linked. I believe they feed off of each other. I feel like a failure for having a messy apartment and being late to things and losing things and get frustrated. I feel like I will never have a successful relationship because I've ruined every one I've ever had or even thought I was going to have.
So my plans for this blog are to write everything out about the changes I am making. About weight loss and just thoughts on life. I plan on finding fellow bloggers for inspiration so I won't get distracted and lose my way. And eventually become the person I was supposed to be - inside and out!
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