Originally thought I'd be home alone tonight, but got invited to hang out and watch the Cowboys game with my sister and her husband. Brian will be there too. Should be fun. My birthday weekend has started. I turn 30 on Sunday. Can't say I'm excited about it. I guess I feel like I should be a lot more successful than I am for a 30 year old woman. Or that I should have more friends around me this weekend than I will. But I'll try and have as much fun as I can. I remember a time when I looked forward to birthdays, but not for the past few years........
Sometimes when I get down for awhile I try to figure out why. Obviously no one has a perfect life. But there are so many people in way worse situations than I am and have worse past experiences that haunt them. Why do I feel the way I do when I have so many true blessings in my life? I forget sometimes that some types of depression are truly chemical and don't necessarily stem from a traumatic experience or situation.
Whats gotten me down lately has been money (or the lack thereof) more than anything. I keep thinking that if I had more money I could take care of myself better and I'd be happy. I've needed to go to the dentist for over a year now. I know I have at least 4 cavities and I can't afford to go and get these taken care of. I finally scheduled an eye doctor appointment because I'm on my last pair of contacts and my eyeglasses are falling apart and my vision has gotten worse. I know I need a stronger prescription.
I have a colposcopy next week. I had an abnormal pap smear last month and it looks like I may be getting tested for pre-cancerous cells. Its not going to be fun and I know that once the procedure is done then I'll have to wait on the results.
I'm also being treated at a gastrointologist because of symptoms that resemble IBS or lactose intolerance. I feel as though I have IBS because usually when I feel stressed is when my symptoms act up the most. I know that IBS and depression are related.
I am currently taking 100 mg of Zoloft, have been for quite some time. Many years ago when I was first placed on the medication I started at 50mg. There was a time later on that I ended up staying for 5 days at a behavioral health center and they upped it to 150 mg. Later was taken down to 100mg. Few months ago I asked my FP to lower it back to 50mg mostly with the idea to eventually work myself off the drug. That didn't work out so well and I'm back up to 100 mg again. There are several new anti-depressants on the market now and I wonder if one of them might work better for me than the Zoloft has been. I just really don't know if I can handle the experimentation. I hate the fact that I have so many pills to take.....
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