Suicide is not an option for me. One of my greatest frustrations is that it isn't. I know that I have a Creator that loves me. But I am so very tired of this everyday struggle for sanity. I'm tired of being so lonely and sad when there is no reason for it. A storm came through today and it seemed a storm went through my head as well.
Work has been hectic and stressful. I have begun dreading it more lately. I put my all into it not knowing if it will even be there come the new year. I'm not sure I can handle another round of job searching.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to see my family, if only for a few short hours.
I've been dating a guy for a few weeks..... I think :). We met as friends to go see SAW VI, then we went to see Paranormal Activity and then The 4th Kind and I watched the game with him and his siblings. We went out Friday night to see another movie... 2012. At the end of the night he came to my apartment and we watched some tv. When he left, we hugged and he kissed me, quickly and softly, twice. It was sweet.
I have doubts about this guy because he seems to be still getting over his ex (according to his facebook) and was engaged to someone else earlier this year. That kind of freaks me out a little, ok a lot. But at the same time, I've had my own relationship issues, even recently, so its hard to judge someone based on few facts that he has not talked with me about yet. So far all we know about each other is that we're both divorced. He has a son from his previous marriage. And we know about each others job situation and we have the same taste in music.
oh wow I'm writing way too much about this dude, I barely know him.
I feel that my tendency to assume things and to over-analyze things is in part due to my mental state most of the time. I conger up situations in my mind that may or may not be true. Its gotten me nowhere except in countless dysfunctional relationships that end or go bad rather quickly. Lately my desire to find a man has actually lessened some because I'm so darn scared of trying again. I'm scared I'll run another one off, because of my mind.
Except this dude has suffered depression also. Thats something we've found out. He's probably the first person I've dated that has a chance of understanding what I'm going through. But I don't want to dwell on that now. I want to get through another week of work... and try and stay positive no matter what happens.
1 comment:
I have two reasons I can't commit suicide. The first is God, and believing He created me for some purpose, and it's not my will but His that matters. The second, and more substantial one is my mother. She doesn't I am the way I am: miserable and depressed (though she knows I've changed, and suspects something's wrong, she's a good mother and knows her children despite my best efforts), nor that I've ever even thought about suicide. The mental picture alone of her finding out that I killed myself, imagining the look on her face and her subsequent emotional breakdown is enough to prevent me from doing it. I don't care about myself, I don't even like myself, but fortunately I love my mother.
I wish you the best in this oncoming week, and I'm glad to see you're still blogging!
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