My first post on this blog was well over a year ago. At that time I was living in Austin, TX. My life is pretty different now. But in some ways a lot of it is the same. Still dealing with depression, anxiety, irrational thoughts, fears and stress. But I weigh a lot more and live in the Dallas area again. I was doing so well last year with my weight-loss. But I managed to gain it all back and then some since about August/September of 2008. I partly blame a medication change. But also my motivation to eat right and exercise vanished. I remember a time when I actually looked forward to long walks up the hiking trail in North Austin. I was counting my calories and also using a weight loss video assistant. I got tired of continuing to struggle financially though and felt like Austin had nothing to offer me anymore. Ironically I spent my first 3-4 months here basically jobless. Was fortunate to find something long-term in May. Supposed to be going full time with the company (no longer with staffing co.) next month. This job has had many ups and downs for me so anything could happen in the next month. I'm thankful to still have a job despite my continued deep depression. My work is usually affected (well rather my dealings with co-workers) by my depression. My "promotion" to a lead role has felt somewhat hollow, because I feel like I could be doing so much more with my life. I feel as though my sadness and insecurities have held me back from success much of my life. So often I want to just forget my past failures and just make the right choices from here on out. But usually I just feel its too late. How is it too late? I'm going to be 30, not 80!

I realize my personality sucks - it has gotten me in a dead end career where I cry at work every job I've ever had.

I always expect things to go my way and even though I've become a committed Christian, I act like I'm in hell on a daily basis. Why do I insist on being this way. its no wonder I've never had a successful relationship or a job lasting longer than 2 years. Why can't I just STOP CRYING and be happy with what I have and move on? Instead of dwelling on what I don't have why can't I look at all the good things I have and be thankful and not a sourpuss that turns people off. I hate myself.

God I know I need you... I need to stop ignoring you at all times. And listen to what you're trying to tell me. Its pretty obvious what that is right now. You're making it obvious how much I need you and to stop relying on my wretched self to provide.... it always fails. God you ARE trying to speak to me through these channels. As much as it hurts, I need to listen and change my ways. Please lead me to someone that will help me change. Lord this is torture. I want so much to have a happy personality that makes people feel good. But I'm so impatient and critical. How do I change? How do I become more like YOU?