Birthday....

This was me today. My family took me to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I was blowing out my non-existent candles. That cheesecake was rich! Overall I can't complain I guess. After lunch my brother in law looked at my car for me. Its been running bad lately. Then I basically chilled by myself and took a nap. Brian left while my car was being looked at. He did take me to see the Hangover last night. Funny movie. I'm finding more and more often when I have humor in my life things don't seem as bad. Its kinda sad though but I've been looking at sites like Lamebook, FailBlog and other funny sites and it keeps my mind occupied I suppose.
I keep thinking about a bit of the conversation at lunch today. I brought up the concert that Brian took me to... Blue October with special guest Switchfoot last weekend. Switchfoot is known for being sort of Christian in their lyrics. They're played on the Christian stations as well as the rock stations. I mentioned that they opened for Blue October. My dad was like what? I had to repeat myself a couple of times. "BLUE OCTOBER". He said, "Are they a Christian band?". I was like, "noooo". This is where I see some of the dysfunction and sadness with my family. My favorite band in the whole world, who has inspired me in so many ways... I can't even talk about with my parents because they don't lift up God. A lot of their music revolves around frustrations, sadness, depression and also rising above all that.
More than anything I wish MY dysfunction would just fade away so I can be like everyone else and feel like I can be myself around everyone.

Friday night and rambling

Originally thought I'd be home alone tonight, but got invited to hang out and watch the Cowboys game with my sister and her husband. Brian will be there too. Should be fun. My birthday weekend has started. I turn 30 on Sunday. Can't say I'm excited about it. I guess I feel like I should be a lot more successful than I am for a 30 year old woman. Or that I should have more friends around me this weekend than I will. But I'll try and have as much fun as I can. I remember a time when I looked forward to birthdays, but not for the past few years........

Sometimes when I get down for awhile I try to figure out why. Obviously no one has a perfect life. But there are so many people in way worse situations than I am and have worse past experiences that haunt them. Why do I feel the way I do when I have so many true blessings in my life? I forget sometimes that some types of depression are truly chemical and don't necessarily stem from a traumatic experience or situation.

Whats gotten me down lately has been money (or the lack thereof) more than anything. I keep thinking that if I had more money I could take care of myself better and I'd be happy. I've needed to go to the dentist for over a year now. I know I have at least 4 cavities and I can't afford to go and get these taken care of. I finally scheduled an eye doctor appointment because I'm on my last pair of contacts and my eyeglasses are falling apart and my vision has gotten worse. I know I need a stronger prescription.
I have a colposcopy next week. I had an abnormal pap smear last month and it looks like I may be getting tested for pre-cancerous cells. Its not going to be fun and I know that once the procedure is done then I'll have to wait on the results.
I'm also being treated at a gastrointologist because of symptoms that resemble IBS or lactose intolerance. I feel as though I have IBS because usually when I feel stressed is when my symptoms act up the most. I know that IBS and depression are related.
I am currently taking 100 mg of Zoloft, have been for quite some time. Many years ago when I was first placed on the medication I started at 50mg. There was a time later on that I ended up staying for 5 days at a behavioral health center and they upped it to 150 mg. Later was taken down to 100mg. Few months ago I asked my FP to lower it back to 50mg mostly with the idea to eventually work myself off the drug. That didn't work out so well and I'm back up to 100 mg again. There are several new anti-depressants on the market now and I wonder if one of them might work better for me than the Zoloft has been. I just really don't know if I can handle the experimentation. I hate the fact that I have so many pills to take.....

My blog is just getting going again so it may take some time to get some good thoughts going. I need this. Even if no one reads it. Although I am interested in finding like-minded people out there because most of the time I feel like I'm going through this - by this I mean battling depression - alone. My boyfriend Brian is a sweetheart but its obvious he has no clue what is going on in my head. I hated to do it but recently confessed to him my thoughts about suicide. He said I made him cry and he never cries. That made my heart melt toward him because I realized he really does care about me. I find it hard to wrap my brain around people really caring about me. I really don't know why. I'm a Christian with Christian parents and friends and family but everything just seems hollow.