Birthday....

This was me today. My family took me to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I was blowing out my non-existent candles. That cheesecake was rich! Overall I can't complain I guess. After lunch my brother in law looked at my car for me. Its been running bad lately. Then I basically chilled by myself and took a nap. Brian left while my car was being looked at. He did take me to see the Hangover last night. Funny movie. I'm finding more and more often when I have humor in my life things don't seem as bad. Its kinda sad though but I've been looking at sites like Lamebook, FailBlog and other funny sites and it keeps my mind occupied I suppose.
I keep thinking about a bit of the conversation at lunch today. I brought up the concert that Brian took me to... Blue October with special guest Switchfoot last weekend. Switchfoot is known for being sort of Christian in their lyrics. They're played on the Christian stations as well as the rock stations. I mentioned that they opened for Blue October. My dad was like what? I had to repeat myself a couple of times. "BLUE OCTOBER". He said, "Are they a Christian band?". I was like, "noooo". This is where I see some of the dysfunction and sadness with my family. My favorite band in the whole world, who has inspired me in so many ways... I can't even talk about with my parents because they don't lift up God. A lot of their music revolves around frustrations, sadness, depression and also rising above all that.
More than anything I wish MY dysfunction would just fade away so I can be like everyone else and feel like I can be myself around everyone.

My blog is just getting going again so it may take some time to get some good thoughts going. I need this. Even if no one reads it. Although I am interested in finding like-minded people out there because most of the time I feel like I'm going through this - by this I mean battling depression - alone. My boyfriend Brian is a sweetheart but its obvious he has no clue what is going on in my head. I hated to do it but recently confessed to him my thoughts about suicide. He said I made him cry and he never cries. That made my heart melt toward him because I realized he really does care about me. I find it hard to wrap my brain around people really caring about me. I really don't know why. I'm a Christian with Christian parents and friends and family but everything just seems hollow.

I realize my personality sucks - it has gotten me in a dead end career where I cry at work every job I've ever had.

I always expect things to go my way and even though I've become a committed Christian, I act like I'm in hell on a daily basis. Why do I insist on being this way. its no wonder I've never had a successful relationship or a job lasting longer than 2 years. Why can't I just STOP CRYING and be happy with what I have and move on? Instead of dwelling on what I don't have why can't I look at all the good things I have and be thankful and not a sourpuss that turns people off. I hate myself.

God I know I need you... I need to stop ignoring you at all times. And listen to what you're trying to tell me. Its pretty obvious what that is right now. You're making it obvious how much I need you and to stop relying on my wretched self to provide.... it always fails. God you ARE trying to speak to me through these channels. As much as it hurts, I need to listen and change my ways. Please lead me to someone that will help me change. Lord this is torture. I want so much to have a happy personality that makes people feel good. But I'm so impatient and critical. How do I change? How do I become more like YOU?