Its been awhile

Its been over a month since I posted here. I supposed for awhile there I didn't post because things were going pretty well for me..... I got a promotion and raise and full time benefits at work and a position with more responsibility. But slowly things went back to the norm..... gloomy, tired and no motivation to do anything or go anywhere except to work to get a paycheck.
I know I need to get my butt back to a doctor, this time one that can really work with me to get the correct medication in me. I hate that I am dependent on a pill to get through the day, but I've come to realize that this is probably the way it will be for a long time, if not forever.
Now that I have real medical insurance, i feel better about my chances at getting out of this dark tunnel that I just don't have the energy to climb out of.
I'm lonely but I tend to make sure that I'm alone a lot so why should I complain?
Finally decided to cut Brian out of my life, at least electronically. We haven't seen each other since we broke up. He's already dating someone else and it hurts to see him moving on while I'm still stuck in the same state I was in when we broke up, which was a big reason WHY we broke up. But I felt a huge lack of compassion coming from this man. Just plain "dont care". I just needed to cut that out of my life before it began to eat me alive. He probably will never realize just how much he hurt me with the things he's said to me. But he never will.

I will end this post here for now simply because there are so many thoughts running through my mind that it would take hours to put them here. I will go back to tuning the world out now.

Birthday....

This was me today. My family took me to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I was blowing out my non-existent candles. That cheesecake was rich! Overall I can't complain I guess. After lunch my brother in law looked at my car for me. Its been running bad lately. Then I basically chilled by myself and took a nap. Brian left while my car was being looked at. He did take me to see the Hangover last night. Funny movie. I'm finding more and more often when I have humor in my life things don't seem as bad. Its kinda sad though but I've been looking at sites like Lamebook, FailBlog and other funny sites and it keeps my mind occupied I suppose.
I keep thinking about a bit of the conversation at lunch today. I brought up the concert that Brian took me to... Blue October with special guest Switchfoot last weekend. Switchfoot is known for being sort of Christian in their lyrics. They're played on the Christian stations as well as the rock stations. I mentioned that they opened for Blue October. My dad was like what? I had to repeat myself a couple of times. "BLUE OCTOBER". He said, "Are they a Christian band?". I was like, "noooo". This is where I see some of the dysfunction and sadness with my family. My favorite band in the whole world, who has inspired me in so many ways... I can't even talk about with my parents because they don't lift up God. A lot of their music revolves around frustrations, sadness, depression and also rising above all that.
More than anything I wish MY dysfunction would just fade away so I can be like everyone else and feel like I can be myself around everyone.