Been nearly a year

I know its been almost a year since my last post. I considered starting a brand new blog, but thought maybe I should continue what I started... just go about things a bit differently.
I have been thinking of getting back online for some time. But today I think I had a bit of a wake up call. I'm still baffled honestly. I just went for a walk and soon I was feeling dehydrated and very out of breath. Eventually felt like I was going to pass out. Now I HAVE been sick with a cold this week so it might be because of that. But I do know that if I was in better shape, that would not have happened.
I have yo-yo dieted for the past couple of years ever since I gained back all the weight I lost in Austin. I really can't explain why I have some success and then have a small slip up and go back to eating crap and not moving.
It occurred to me this week as well, that this is October! This is the beginning of the fall season! I have a whole 8-9 months to get in shape for Summer 2011. Why not start right now and make some goals? The way I've been living hasn't worked. Its lead me to be depressed, alone and overweight. Something obviously needs to change.
I've started reading a book called The Depression CURE and its something I really need to keep reading and absorbing. Basically the premise is - human beings weren't designed to live the modern lifestyles that we are living. To sit in sedentary jobs all day and then come home and sit in a dark apartment watching TV, eating fatty foods, alone.
Over the past several months I've considered the fact that I may indeed be ADD or ADHD. It makes sense when I consider the symptoms: extreme distract-ability, difficulty focusing on important things, forgetting about bills, losing things, keeping a messy apartment.... and on and on. I've read up on how ADD and depression are linked. I believe they feed off of each other. I feel like a failure for having a messy apartment and being late to things and losing things and get frustrated. I feel like I will never have a successful relationship because I've ruined every one I've ever had or even thought I was going to have.
So my plans for this blog are to write everything out about the changes I am making. About weight loss and just thoughts on life. I plan on finding fellow bloggers for inspiration so I won't get distracted and lose my way. And eventually become the person I was supposed to be - inside and out!

Its been awhile

Its been over a month since I posted here. I supposed for awhile there I didn't post because things were going pretty well for me..... I got a promotion and raise and full time benefits at work and a position with more responsibility. But slowly things went back to the norm..... gloomy, tired and no motivation to do anything or go anywhere except to work to get a paycheck.
I know I need to get my butt back to a doctor, this time one that can really work with me to get the correct medication in me. I hate that I am dependent on a pill to get through the day, but I've come to realize that this is probably the way it will be for a long time, if not forever.
Now that I have real medical insurance, i feel better about my chances at getting out of this dark tunnel that I just don't have the energy to climb out of.
I'm lonely but I tend to make sure that I'm alone a lot so why should I complain?
Finally decided to cut Brian out of my life, at least electronically. We haven't seen each other since we broke up. He's already dating someone else and it hurts to see him moving on while I'm still stuck in the same state I was in when we broke up, which was a big reason WHY we broke up. But I felt a huge lack of compassion coming from this man. Just plain "dont care". I just needed to cut that out of my life before it began to eat me alive. He probably will never realize just how much he hurt me with the things he's said to me. But he never will.

I will end this post here for now simply because there are so many thoughts running through my mind that it would take hours to put them here. I will go back to tuning the world out now.

Friday night and rambling

Originally thought I'd be home alone tonight, but got invited to hang out and watch the Cowboys game with my sister and her husband. Brian will be there too. Should be fun. My birthday weekend has started. I turn 30 on Sunday. Can't say I'm excited about it. I guess I feel like I should be a lot more successful than I am for a 30 year old woman. Or that I should have more friends around me this weekend than I will. But I'll try and have as much fun as I can. I remember a time when I looked forward to birthdays, but not for the past few years........

Sometimes when I get down for awhile I try to figure out why. Obviously no one has a perfect life. But there are so many people in way worse situations than I am and have worse past experiences that haunt them. Why do I feel the way I do when I have so many true blessings in my life? I forget sometimes that some types of depression are truly chemical and don't necessarily stem from a traumatic experience or situation.

Whats gotten me down lately has been money (or the lack thereof) more than anything. I keep thinking that if I had more money I could take care of myself better and I'd be happy. I've needed to go to the dentist for over a year now. I know I have at least 4 cavities and I can't afford to go and get these taken care of. I finally scheduled an eye doctor appointment because I'm on my last pair of contacts and my eyeglasses are falling apart and my vision has gotten worse. I know I need a stronger prescription.
I have a colposcopy next week. I had an abnormal pap smear last month and it looks like I may be getting tested for pre-cancerous cells. Its not going to be fun and I know that once the procedure is done then I'll have to wait on the results.
I'm also being treated at a gastrointologist because of symptoms that resemble IBS or lactose intolerance. I feel as though I have IBS because usually when I feel stressed is when my symptoms act up the most. I know that IBS and depression are related.
I am currently taking 100 mg of Zoloft, have been for quite some time. Many years ago when I was first placed on the medication I started at 50mg. There was a time later on that I ended up staying for 5 days at a behavioral health center and they upped it to 150 mg. Later was taken down to 100mg. Few months ago I asked my FP to lower it back to 50mg mostly with the idea to eventually work myself off the drug. That didn't work out so well and I'm back up to 100 mg again. There are several new anti-depressants on the market now and I wonder if one of them might work better for me than the Zoloft has been. I just really don't know if I can handle the experimentation. I hate the fact that I have so many pills to take.....

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

My blog is just getting going again so it may take some time to get some good thoughts going. I need this. Even if no one reads it. Although I am interested in finding like-minded people out there because most of the time I feel like I'm going through this - by this I mean battling depression - alone. My boyfriend Brian is a sweetheart but its obvious he has no clue what is going on in my head. I hated to do it but recently confessed to him my thoughts about suicide. He said I made him cry and he never cries. That made my heart melt toward him because I realized he really does care about me. I find it hard to wrap my brain around people really caring about me. I really don't know why. I'm a Christian with Christian parents and friends and family but everything just seems hollow.

My first post on this blog was well over a year ago. At that time I was living in Austin, TX. My life is pretty different now. But in some ways a lot of it is the same. Still dealing with depression, anxiety, irrational thoughts, fears and stress. But I weigh a lot more and live in the Dallas area again. I was doing so well last year with my weight-loss. But I managed to gain it all back and then some since about August/September of 2008. I partly blame a medication change. But also my motivation to eat right and exercise vanished. I remember a time when I actually looked forward to long walks up the hiking trail in North Austin. I was counting my calories and also using a weight loss video assistant. I got tired of continuing to struggle financially though and felt like Austin had nothing to offer me anymore. Ironically I spent my first 3-4 months here basically jobless. Was fortunate to find something long-term in May. Supposed to be going full time with the company (no longer with staffing co.) next month. This job has had many ups and downs for me so anything could happen in the next month. I'm thankful to still have a job despite my continued deep depression. My work is usually affected (well rather my dealings with co-workers) by my depression. My "promotion" to a lead role has felt somewhat hollow, because I feel like I could be doing so much more with my life. I feel as though my sadness and insecurities have held me back from success much of my life. So often I want to just forget my past failures and just make the right choices from here on out. But usually I just feel its too late. How is it too late? I'm going to be 30, not 80!

Why is this happening? Why do I feel like he doesn't care? Why do I feel like God doesn't care?
I waver between being a normal, understanding person and being a crazy emotional person that doesn't understand real life. I have struggled in relationships with others my ENTIRE life. I'm so sick of this. Why does suicide seem so logical again? Because I feel like no one will ever understand me. And the comfort I desperately need from God is never there.

I realize my personality sucks - it has gotten me in a dead end career where I cry at work every job I've ever had.

I always expect things to go my way and even though I've become a committed Christian, I act like I'm in hell on a daily basis. Why do I insist on being this way. its no wonder I've never had a successful relationship or a job lasting longer than 2 years. Why can't I just STOP CRYING and be happy with what I have and move on? Instead of dwelling on what I don't have why can't I look at all the good things I have and be thankful and not a sourpuss that turns people off. I hate myself.

God I know I need you... I need to stop ignoring you at all times. And listen to what you're trying to tell me. Its pretty obvious what that is right now. You're making it obvious how much I need you and to stop relying on my wretched self to provide.... it always fails. God you ARE trying to speak to me through these channels. As much as it hurts, I need to listen and change my ways. Please lead me to someone that will help me change. Lord this is torture. I want so much to have a happy personality that makes people feel good. But I'm so impatient and critical. How do I change? How do I become more like YOU?

So many thoughts running through my head. I'm feeling rejection from Eric now. This is crazy. I'm not even sure I like him - he's not giving me any reasons to. I regret the way things happened yesterday. It was so awkward. Now I feel like I officially screwed things up with him, but I still haven't figured out if I care or not.
Mentally I am in no shape to be with anyone. I wonder if I've ever been. I wonder if I am meant to be alone. Every time I am with someone, I do something to mess it up or I don't like something(s) about them and destroy it.
Maybe I'm meant to be tortured all my life.
Instead of dwell on regrets - Better choices for tomorrow

My free blog....

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I am trying so hard to make friends. I feel like as soon as I find someone I "gel" with or I'm attracted to, I need to hear from that person constantly. Which I know is insane. Its the same ole thing... loneliness. Having no one to talk to or interact with makes you want interaction all that much more.
I realize that I have a very closed mind when it comes to making friends. Its almost like, if I'm not 100% attracted to or compatible with that person, I lose interest.
Is there anyone else out there that feels this way? I feel OCD with my email and with certain websites sometimes. I wonder why "no one" is writing me. Why does it seem like I'm being forgotten sometimes. But yet I know I'm forgetting about other people! People that for whatever reason I lost interest in. I just feel guilty, sad, confused, and kinda hopeless. Sometimes I feel like the only one that feels this way. But I know I'm not. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone or several people on a regular basis that understand how I feel. Whether I could give them advice or they could give me advice... it doesn't matter. Just someone to talk to.
I'm doing all these self-improvements... losing weight, eating better, getting a better job, etc. But I still have these irrational feelings that drive me crazy! I feel like there's nothing I can do about it either. I've tried to feel "normal". But I end up realizing how abnormal I really am.