Halfway through the day today I think my new meds began to kick in, because I felt normal. My dr added wellbutrin last week. I have been on zoloft for several years.
I exercised for 30 minutes and then watched Capote and did my nails. I like that I feel like being more feminine and taking care of myself again :)

Still struggling

Suicide is not an option for me. One of my greatest frustrations is that it isn't. I know that I have a Creator that loves me. But I am so very tired of this everyday struggle for sanity. I'm tired of being so lonely and sad when there is no reason for it. A storm came through today and it seemed a storm went through my head as well.

Work has been hectic and stressful. I have begun dreading it more lately. I put my all into it not knowing if it will even be there come the new year. I'm not sure I can handle another round of job searching.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to see my family, if only for a few short hours.
I've been dating a guy for a few weeks..... I think :). We met as friends to go see SAW VI, then we went to see Paranormal Activity and then The 4th Kind and I watched the game with him and his siblings. We went out Friday night to see another movie... 2012. At the end of the night he came to my apartment and we watched some tv. When he left, we hugged and he kissed me, quickly and softly, twice. It was sweet.
I have doubts about this guy because he seems to be still getting over his ex (according to his facebook) and was engaged to someone else earlier this year. That kind of freaks me out a little, ok a lot. But at the same time, I've had my own relationship issues, even recently, so its hard to judge someone based on few facts that he has not talked with me about yet. So far all we know about each other is that we're both divorced. He has a son from his previous marriage. And we know about each others job situation and we have the same taste in music.
oh wow I'm writing way too much about this dude, I barely know him.

I feel that my tendency to assume things and to over-analyze things is in part due to my mental state most of the time. I conger up situations in my mind that may or may not be true. Its gotten me nowhere except in countless dysfunctional relationships that end or go bad rather quickly. Lately my desire to find a man has actually lessened some because I'm so darn scared of trying again. I'm scared I'll run another one off, because of my mind.
Except this dude has suffered depression also. Thats something we've found out. He's probably the first person I've dated that has a chance of understanding what I'm going through. But I don't want to dwell on that now. I want to get through another week of work... and try and stay positive no matter what happens.

Glimmer of hope

1. The sun came back out today. The weatherman said it hasn't shown since Oct. 2. It was nice to see it again.

2. I got my butt in the exercise room again today. I missed yesterday but went the 2 days before that. My plan is to start slow (just riding the bike for approx. 30 min) and work up to an hour every day. I long so much to get that desire back that I had last year... the desire to exercise and to actually look forward to it. I'm trying not to focus on this being a "weight loss" thing, because I feel like my motivation will come and go if it were just for that. But exercise can help my mood, sleep, etc :)

Look forward to wanting to take pictures and have them taken of me again too. :)

Its been awhile

Its been over a month since I posted here. I supposed for awhile there I didn't post because things were going pretty well for me..... I got a promotion and raise and full time benefits at work and a position with more responsibility. But slowly things went back to the norm..... gloomy, tired and no motivation to do anything or go anywhere except to work to get a paycheck.
I know I need to get my butt back to a doctor, this time one that can really work with me to get the correct medication in me. I hate that I am dependent on a pill to get through the day, but I've come to realize that this is probably the way it will be for a long time, if not forever.
Now that I have real medical insurance, i feel better about my chances at getting out of this dark tunnel that I just don't have the energy to climb out of.
I'm lonely but I tend to make sure that I'm alone a lot so why should I complain?
Finally decided to cut Brian out of my life, at least electronically. We haven't seen each other since we broke up. He's already dating someone else and it hurts to see him moving on while I'm still stuck in the same state I was in when we broke up, which was a big reason WHY we broke up. But I felt a huge lack of compassion coming from this man. Just plain "dont care". I just needed to cut that out of my life before it began to eat me alive. He probably will never realize just how much he hurt me with the things he's said to me. But he never will.

I will end this post here for now simply because there are so many thoughts running through my mind that it would take hours to put them here. I will go back to tuning the world out now.

Break up

Brian and I brok up over the weekend. We were together only about 4 months, but two of those months it was like we were friends hanging out. I honestly feel as though my depression will continue to take a toll on any relationship I have unless I get control of it. I am so sad that I found such a great guy and can't even make it work with him.
I avoid most people most times because I'm so sick of saying the wrong things or having the wrong look on my face or tone in my voice. I honestly believe my career is stagnant because my personality has gotten me nowhere.
....

Music

I've posted about Blue October quite a bit already. They are the only band that I can completely relate to - the lyrics are amazing to me. But I have quite a few other favorites..... I love the powerhouse that is Muse. They're from the UK. When I first heard their song Time is Running Out....... they got my attention.


Butterflies and Hurricanes has been such an encouraging song to me. Loved listening to it a whole lot last year when I went on my walks and hikes. Such a "take on the world", positive song!


Three Days Grace has to be in my top 5 as well.... very real and reminds me there are many out there that are hurting just like I am.


.
I also love me some Incubus, Seether, Nirvana, Chevelle, Breaking Benjamin, Ghostland Observatory, Kings of Leon, White Stripes, Cake, Foo Fighters, Beck....
love em all :)
They all allow me to get away from myself, and get into someone else's head for a change. I wonder what went through the lyricists heads when they were writing some of these songs. What kind of experiences have they had?

Numb

All week.... just numb and tired. I need some freaking energy. This is no way to live :(

Birthday....

This was me today. My family took me to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I was blowing out my non-existent candles. That cheesecake was rich! Overall I can't complain I guess. After lunch my brother in law looked at my car for me. Its been running bad lately. Then I basically chilled by myself and took a nap. Brian left while my car was being looked at. He did take me to see the Hangover last night. Funny movie. I'm finding more and more often when I have humor in my life things don't seem as bad. Its kinda sad though but I've been looking at sites like Lamebook, FailBlog and other funny sites and it keeps my mind occupied I suppose.
I keep thinking about a bit of the conversation at lunch today. I brought up the concert that Brian took me to... Blue October with special guest Switchfoot last weekend. Switchfoot is known for being sort of Christian in their lyrics. They're played on the Christian stations as well as the rock stations. I mentioned that they opened for Blue October. My dad was like what? I had to repeat myself a couple of times. "BLUE OCTOBER". He said, "Are they a Christian band?". I was like, "noooo". This is where I see some of the dysfunction and sadness with my family. My favorite band in the whole world, who has inspired me in so many ways... I can't even talk about with my parents because they don't lift up God. A lot of their music revolves around frustrations, sadness, depression and also rising above all that.
More than anything I wish MY dysfunction would just fade away so I can be like everyone else and feel like I can be myself around everyone.

Should Be Loved

Picking Up Pieces (user video)

Friday night and rambling

Originally thought I'd be home alone tonight, but got invited to hang out and watch the Cowboys game with my sister and her husband. Brian will be there too. Should be fun. My birthday weekend has started. I turn 30 on Sunday. Can't say I'm excited about it. I guess I feel like I should be a lot more successful than I am for a 30 year old woman. Or that I should have more friends around me this weekend than I will. But I'll try and have as much fun as I can. I remember a time when I looked forward to birthdays, but not for the past few years........

Sometimes when I get down for awhile I try to figure out why. Obviously no one has a perfect life. But there are so many people in way worse situations than I am and have worse past experiences that haunt them. Why do I feel the way I do when I have so many true blessings in my life? I forget sometimes that some types of depression are truly chemical and don't necessarily stem from a traumatic experience or situation.

Whats gotten me down lately has been money (or the lack thereof) more than anything. I keep thinking that if I had more money I could take care of myself better and I'd be happy. I've needed to go to the dentist for over a year now. I know I have at least 4 cavities and I can't afford to go and get these taken care of. I finally scheduled an eye doctor appointment because I'm on my last pair of contacts and my eyeglasses are falling apart and my vision has gotten worse. I know I need a stronger prescription.
I have a colposcopy next week. I had an abnormal pap smear last month and it looks like I may be getting tested for pre-cancerous cells. Its not going to be fun and I know that once the procedure is done then I'll have to wait on the results.
I'm also being treated at a gastrointologist because of symptoms that resemble IBS or lactose intolerance. I feel as though I have IBS because usually when I feel stressed is when my symptoms act up the most. I know that IBS and depression are related.
I am currently taking 100 mg of Zoloft, have been for quite some time. Many years ago when I was first placed on the medication I started at 50mg. There was a time later on that I ended up staying for 5 days at a behavioral health center and they upped it to 150 mg. Later was taken down to 100mg. Few months ago I asked my FP to lower it back to 50mg mostly with the idea to eventually work myself off the drug. That didn't work out so well and I'm back up to 100 mg again. There are several new anti-depressants on the market now and I wonder if one of them might work better for me than the Zoloft has been. I just really don't know if I can handle the experimentation. I hate the fact that I have so many pills to take.....

Picking Up Pieces

Words to "Picking Up Pieces" written by Justin Furstenfeld of Blue October

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein
That keeps my lifeline flowing thru
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don’t feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
Its not you its strictly me in this situation
But I’m wondering will it ever go away?…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping
awaken when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen - I’ll be as honest as I feel
I’m getting more paranoid cause I’m hearing things
And they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It’s just so heavy all the time

I’m scared of death
I’m scared of living
I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving

I misplaced my trust
I watched my word begin to rust
I’m a balloon about to bust
I need a place for a living still

But sometimes I feel like weeping
awaken when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding, creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

How long (in another space and time)
Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long (its getting oh so hard to find)
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind


But I still walk on

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

My blog is just getting going again so it may take some time to get some good thoughts going. I need this. Even if no one reads it. Although I am interested in finding like-minded people out there because most of the time I feel like I'm going through this - by this I mean battling depression - alone. My boyfriend Brian is a sweetheart but its obvious he has no clue what is going on in my head. I hated to do it but recently confessed to him my thoughts about suicide. He said I made him cry and he never cries. That made my heart melt toward him because I realized he really does care about me. I find it hard to wrap my brain around people really caring about me. I really don't know why. I'm a Christian with Christian parents and friends and family but everything just seems hollow.

My first post on this blog was well over a year ago. At that time I was living in Austin, TX. My life is pretty different now. But in some ways a lot of it is the same. Still dealing with depression, anxiety, irrational thoughts, fears and stress. But I weigh a lot more and live in the Dallas area again. I was doing so well last year with my weight-loss. But I managed to gain it all back and then some since about August/September of 2008. I partly blame a medication change. But also my motivation to eat right and exercise vanished. I remember a time when I actually looked forward to long walks up the hiking trail in North Austin. I was counting my calories and also using a weight loss video assistant. I got tired of continuing to struggle financially though and felt like Austin had nothing to offer me anymore. Ironically I spent my first 3-4 months here basically jobless. Was fortunate to find something long-term in May. Supposed to be going full time with the company (no longer with staffing co.) next month. This job has had many ups and downs for me so anything could happen in the next month. I'm thankful to still have a job despite my continued deep depression. My work is usually affected (well rather my dealings with co-workers) by my depression. My "promotion" to a lead role has felt somewhat hollow, because I feel like I could be doing so much more with my life. I feel as though my sadness and insecurities have held me back from success much of my life. So often I want to just forget my past failures and just make the right choices from here on out. But usually I just feel its too late. How is it too late? I'm going to be 30, not 80!

Why is this happening? Why do I feel like he doesn't care? Why do I feel like God doesn't care?
I waver between being a normal, understanding person and being a crazy emotional person that doesn't understand real life. I have struggled in relationships with others my ENTIRE life. I'm so sick of this. Why does suicide seem so logical again? Because I feel like no one will ever understand me. And the comfort I desperately need from God is never there.

I realize my personality sucks - it has gotten me in a dead end career where I cry at work every job I've ever had.

I always expect things to go my way and even though I've become a committed Christian, I act like I'm in hell on a daily basis. Why do I insist on being this way. its no wonder I've never had a successful relationship or a job lasting longer than 2 years. Why can't I just STOP CRYING and be happy with what I have and move on? Instead of dwelling on what I don't have why can't I look at all the good things I have and be thankful and not a sourpuss that turns people off. I hate myself.

God I know I need you... I need to stop ignoring you at all times. And listen to what you're trying to tell me. Its pretty obvious what that is right now. You're making it obvious how much I need you and to stop relying on my wretched self to provide.... it always fails. God you ARE trying to speak to me through these channels. As much as it hurts, I need to listen and change my ways. Please lead me to someone that will help me change. Lord this is torture. I want so much to have a happy personality that makes people feel good. But I'm so impatient and critical. How do I change? How do I become more like YOU?